One Thrust
by LunaShadowWolf13
Summary: Merlin is left broken at Freya's death. He runs into the woods, trying to destroy the numbness that has taken over, even if it means to cause pain. Can Arthur save him before it's too late? NO SLASH! T cuz I feel like it.
1. Chapter 1 Merlin

**A/N- This was spawned from stumbling across a really good, yet depressing one shot. If you wanna read it, it's called ****A Letter**** by **NotQuiteBerserk. **Go read it. It rocks.**

**So… Yeah. Enjoy.**

**Oh, and this is NOT SLASH. I just decided to show a different side of Arthur. A more compassionate side, which is hardly ever shown. So don't ask me if it's slash, cuz it's not. Thank you.**

Merlin ran. He couldn't stop running. Deep in the forest, his legs  
>were burning but he just couldn't stop. It was too much. Just too<br>much. He had failed her. Said he would protect her. There, hidden in  
>the dark, he let his grief flow free. Tears streamed down his cheek, he<br>couldn't contain them any longer. Arthur had tried to make him feel  
>better, but being anywhere around him just made the agony more<br>pronounced.

Finally, he could take it no longer. So he ran, into the forest and  
>away from those horrible catacombs. He hoped no one had followed him.<br>They wouldn't approve.

They wouldn't understand.

He collapsed, sinking at the edge of a small creek. The warlock pulled  
>a small dagger from his jacket. Rolling up his sleeve, he prepared<br>himself for the pain that would inevitably come. He welcomed it.  
>Anything to remove the horrible numbness. The tears stopped, nothing<br>left to give.

The first cut. It was long, slow, and painful. He felt with relief as  
>the numbness drifted away. He hoped everything else would drift away<br>soon, completely gone.

The second cut. Deeper, more blood. More pain. But not enough.

The third. This time it was a gash, barely missing the main artery.  
>Merlin may be an idiot, but he wasn't that insane. As the red welled<br>and dripped off his arm, he didn't know why he didn't just end it all.  
>One simple thrust and it would all be over. One thrust, and all the<br>pain and agony and just plain heart wrenching guilt would be gone.

He made his decision.

The blade lifted to his chest. He took a deep breath, preparing for  
>those few moments of living before he would see his lover again. His<br>dear Freya. He pulled away, taking in the darkness one last time, glad  
>that no one would find him until it was too late. Until he was gone.<p>

His body fell to the ground, dagger jerked away and landing in the  
>dirt, not in his reach. He screamed, trying to pull away from the arms<br>circling his waist, holding him back from salvation. From Freya.  
>"Freya!" he wailed, over and over again. "Let me go! My fault, all my<br>fault! Let me be with her! Its my fault, my fault..." He could take it  
>no longer. Breaking down into sobs, he fell limp in his, though he<br>didn't think so at the moment, saviors grasp. A few minutes and he was  
>released, curling up on himself. Crying, sobs wracking his<br>malnourished body.

He didn't notice when the person flung the dagger as far as they could  
>into the forest, at the same time removing all of their weapons. They<br>hid them in a bush, not that Merlin would've gone looking for them  
>anyways.<p>

He did notice when he felt himself being pulled into a warm pair of  
>arms, as if to protect him from the world as much as to comfort him.<br>Little did he know though that his savior had tears streaming down  
>their cheeks as well.<p>

"Why?" was whispered in his ear. "Why would you leave me? What  
>could've been so bad that you couldn't tell me, Merlin? Don't you<br>trust me?" The voice was regretful, like it had been their fault  
>Merlin was like this. Full of misery, there was a crack at the end of<br>his words. "Why would you take your own life?"

Surprised, Merlin looked up into the grief and guilt ridden face of  
>Arthur. "I trust you with my life. But you would never understand.<br>Could never understand. And its all my fault," he whispered brokenly.  
>"It was the only way out."<p>

Arthur pulled him closer as Merlin tried to control another wave of  
>grief. "There is always another way out. And I could have understood<br>if you told me. Of course I never would if you never told me. Please,  
>tell me now, you need someone to tell it to."<p>

Merlin shook his head. "I wish I could Arthur, I really do. But I fear  
>that if I told you you might let it slip. And I don't want to burn<br>Arthur. I don't want to burn. I don't want to burn." The last sentence  
>was lost to a violent shudder and a cracking voice. "And now she's<br>lost. Lost because I couldn't keep one simple promise. I was too much  
>of an idiot to even do that. Thats all I ever am. An idiot. Thats all<br>people will see me as." He twisted to look at the prince once again.  
>"No one will ever see who I really am. I am living a lie. One horribly<br>dark lie."

By this point Arthur had stiffened slightly. He didn't know why his  
>servant- damn it his friend- thought Arthur would slip and he would<br>burn. But he did know he had to comfort Merlin. He forced himself to  
>relax, to hear out the end of Merlin's reasons. "You're not an idiot<br>Merlin. I don't mean that when I say it. You are so brave, braver than  
>any knight. In no world are you an idiot. And I truly doubt you are<br>living a lie. You couldn't tell a lie if your life depended on it."  
>Wrong choice.<p>

Another wave of tears. "Now I am. She's lost because I couldn't lie  
>well enough to keep those who wanted to kill her from finding her.<br>Couldn't convince her that she was not a monster. That I am a monster,  
>not her."<p>

Arthur was horrified at hearing this. "Merlin, you are NOT a monster.  
>Don't think that for a moment. And who was she? What happened?"<p>

"Arthur, you have to promise me that what I am about to tell you won't  
>make you think it was your fault. It was mine in the end. Promise me<br>you won't freak out until I finish." The prince nodded. "That druid  
>girl... Her name was Freya. I freed her. I couldn't believe someone<br>would sell her to be killed. She had a curse placed on her. T forced  
>her to turn into a bastet at midnight. She didn't want to hurt those<br>people. I didn't know, she didn't tell me. We planned to escape  
>together, find a quiet place to settle down. When I came back with the<br>supplies, Freya was gone."

Arthur blanched. "I... I killed her. Oh, Merlin I'm so sorry. If I had  
>only known..."<p>

"Is alright Arthur. I forgive you. You were protecting your kingdom,  
>your people. I don't blame you. I should have looked after her. I<br>promised I would keep her safe. It hurts so much. Arthur, the reason I  
>wanted to take my life... It felt so hard to see the man who killed<br>the woman I loved everyday, let alone work for him, even though I knew  
>you didn't know and were doing it to save every innocent in Camelot. I<br>should have died not her. And the day I disappeared? Thats when I took  
>her to the lake of Avalon, where she died in my arms. I put her on a<br>boat and burned her body." Tears flooded his vision as he recalled in  
>detail the events of that night and day. He could do nothing else but<br>break down and receive comfort from his best friend.

Shudders suddenly wracked his body. He was so cold, nothing on but his  
>usual pants, shirt, and neckerchief. He didn't even have his jacket.<br>Arthur seemed to realize this, as he pulled Merlin over to a tree and  
>propped him up against it. He then proceeded to collect firewood,<br>watching Merlin cautiously as he shivered and trembled.

As soon as he got the fire going, the prince helped Merlin steady  
>himself and got him to sit near the flames. After a few moments<br>silence, Arthur took off his cloak and draped it around the boy's  
>still shuddering shoulders. "Thanks," the young man said hoarsely.<br>Arthur just nodded his head in recognition.

"You won't..." he swallowed. "You won't burn. I promise you that. This  
>will never reach another's ears."<p>

Merlin smiled weakly at him as the tremors slowly subsided. "Thank  
>you, he whispered. "You don't know how much that means to me."<p>

And for the first time in quite a long while, Merlin thought that  
>maybe, just maybe, someone might begin to understand.<p>

**A/N- So would you guys like a companion to this, from Arthur's point of view? I know, I know, I have to get the next chapter to Mind Games up! Please be patient (I probably got the wrong homonym there!) with me!**

**Please review! :D**


	2. Chapter 2 Arthur

**A/N- This was spawned from stumbling across a really good, yet depressing one shot. If you wanna read it, it's called ****A Letter**** by **NotQuiteBerserk. **Go read it. It rocks.**

**So… Yeah. Enjoy.**

**Oh, and this is NOT SLASH. I just decided to show a different side of Arthur. A more compassionate side, which is hardly ever shown. So don't ask me if it's slash, cuz it's not. Thank you.**

Arthur watched out his window as a shadowy figure fled the city. He wondered who it could be. Then he saw the red neckerchief, floating away from the raven haired man's face.

Merlin. 

Where he was going, Arthur didn't know, but because he had noticed something wrong with his manservant the past little while, he couldn't help but follow.

On his way out, he clipped his sheath to his belt and slipped his sword in. After that he donned a cloak to guard from the cold night air.

Merlin led him past the gates to Camelot, somehow not drawing any attention to himself as he went by the guards. Apparently they were even more dimwitted than Arthur had first thought them to be.

Though the forest the warlock weaved. In and out of the lush green foliage he ran, almost completely silent. The only sound he make was the panting of his heavy breaths. It surprised Arthur. Why didn't he move like that when they were on hunts? Most likely because he didn't like seeing animals killed, Arthur reasoned.

He dove behind a felled tree when Merlin collapsed near a small creek. The prince watched, intrigued as his manservant pulled out the dagger Arthur had given him on his birthday. A lump, however, grew in his throat as Merlin bared his left wrist, exposing the pale flesh to the harsh moonlight.

Arthur watched as Merlin cut himself three times, each going a little deeper and a little longer. It was clear on his face he was in pain, but what shocked him was that the servant's face also held some measure of relief.

A single drop of blood wound down his arm in a thin line before dropping onto a frail white daisy, staining the petals red.

Then, Merlin hesitated. Arthur's stomach was still turning when he saw something desperate and wondering in his friend's eyes. Determination flared into his gaze as the deadly blade grew steadily higher until it was directly in front of his heart.

As Merlin drew the dagger away from his body, preparing to strike, Arthur realized what was happening and leaped over the log, all coherent thoughts chased away. He tackled his servant to the ground, simultaneously kicking the lethal weapon out of his reach once it hit the dirt floor.

He drew Merlin into a crude imitation of a hug with hands around his waist and arms, preventing him from getting away since he could feel the warlock try to free a hand to grab the blade. "Freya!" he wailed, over and over again. "Let me go! My fault, all my fault! Let me be with her! Its my fault, my fault..."

Arthur watched and felt Merlin go limp, collapsing into himself. Slowly, he untangled himself and reached the dagger. Even if he had bought it for Merlin, he never wanted to see that thing again. And he didn't want Merlin to be tempted by the same blade. Almost as an afterthought he stripped himself of his sword and hidden knife.

"Why?" the prince whispered in his ear. "Why would you leave me? What could've been so bad that you couldn't tell me, Merlin? Don't you trust me?" Full of misery, there was a crack at the end of his words. "Why would you take your own life?"

Merlin's surprised face turned to him. "I trust you with my life. But you would never understand.  
>Could never understand. And its all my fault," he whispered brokenly. "It was the only way out."<p>

Arthur pulled him closer as Merlin tried to control another wave of grief. "There is always another way out. And I could have understood if you told me. Of course I never would if you never told me. Please, tell me now, you need someone to tell it to."

Merlin shook his head. "I wish I could Arthur, I really do. But I fear that if I told you you might let it slip. And I don't want to burn Arthur. I don't want to burn. I don't want to burn." The last sentence was lost to a violent shudder and a cracking voice. "And now she's lost. Lost because I couldn't keep one simple promise. I was too much of an idiot to even do that. That's all I ever am. An idiot. That's all people will see me as." He twisted to look at the prince once again. "No one will ever see who I really am. I am living a lie. One horribly dark lie."

Arthur stiffened. He did not like this darker side of the bumbling manservant he knew. He didn't know why his best friend thought he would let some information go and get him killed. But he did know that his manservant needed as much comfort as Arthur could give him, so he silently vowed not to jump to hasty conclusions and to listen to Merlin's reasons. "You're not an idiot Merlin. I don't mean that when I say it. You are so brave, braver than any knight. In no world are you an idiot. And I truly doubt you are living a lie. You couldn't tell a lie if your life depended on it." Wrong choice.

Another wave of tears. "Now I am. She's lost because I couldn't lie well enough to keep those who wanted to kill her from finding her. Couldn't convince her that she was not a monster. That I am a monster, not her."

Arthur was horrified at hearing this. "Merlin, you are NOT a monster. Don't think that for a moment. And who was she? What happened?"

"Arthur, you have to promise me that what I am about to tell you won't make you think it was your fault. It was mine in the end. Promise me you won't freak out until I finish." The prince nodded. "That druid girl... Her name was Freya. I freed her. I couldn't believe someone would sell her to be killed. She had a curse placed on her. T forced her to turn into a bastet at midnight. She didn't want to hurt those people. I didn't know, she didn't tell me. We planned to escape  
>together, find a quiet place to settle down. When I came back with the supplies, Freya was gone."<p>

Arthur drastically paled. He had killed the woman his best friend loved. "I... I killed her. Oh, Merlin I'm so sorry. If I had  
>only known..."<p>

"Is alright Arthur. I forgive you. You were protecting your kingdom, your people. I don't blame you. I should have looked after her. I promised I would keep her safe. It hurts so much. Arthur, the reason I wanted to take my life... It felt so hard to see the man who killed the woman I loved everyday, let alone work for him, even though I knew you didn't know and were doing it to save every innocent in Camelot. I should have died not her. And the day I disappeared? Thats when I took her to the lake of Avalon, where she died in my arms. I put her on a boat and burned her body." Tears dripped onto the prince's arms.

In his embrace, Arthur felt Merlin suddenly shiver violently. He realized that the young man didn't even have his jacket on to protect him from the cold night air. Gently, he helped Merlin over to a tree and leaned him against the trunk. He then proceeded to gather firewood. Once the flames were going, he helped Merlin to sit by the fire. He watched as the tremors began to slowly fade. After a few moment's silence he took off his cloak and wrapped it around the boy's still trembling shoulders. "Thanks," he said quietly.

"You won't…" He paused and swallowed. "You won't burn. I promise you that. This will never reach another's ears."

Merlin smiled weakly at him as the tremors slowly subsided. "Thank you, he whispered. "You don't know how much that means to me."

And for the first time since the druid, Arthur thought that maybe, just maybe Merlin would get better and return to be his old self.

**A/N- So how did you like it? I had a tough time writing this so I hope it was okay! I think the last sentence was crap because I obviously couldn't do something like what Merlin thought, so it was really hard trying to find something even remotely like it!**

**Please review! :D**

**~L~**


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